Ispirazioni, Pensieri liberi, Ricordi, Riflessioni, Visioni

Always inspired by the foreign girls I loved…

Ana won’t be there for almost two months, and I’m unarmed… yesterday night we just talked, talked about her family, her parents who are divorced, and I told her how much I liked that picture of her on her smartphone, she was just a pic of her and her sisters, their two faces… and I didn’t want to do anything, although now and then I touched her body, her beautiful breast, her legs, and I looked at her pink sweater, and I wondered how much I’m almost in love with her, losing my mind watching her visage… her sweet face, like a teenager, her soft lines and her charming eyes while she asked me about that other girl, Marina, and whether or not I was still in contact with her… I said yes and no, I had to admit that I’m not in love with her, with Marina, because every night that I was with her during the day I went with Ana to enjoy sensual pleasures, and there, there was real pleasure and love… I had to admit this, also when I lost myself talking about Alina, that time that I was in love with her and she used to tell me that it’s better not to love, especially a girl like her… and Ana said that she also wanted to find a partner, a boyfriend, as much as I want to find a girlfriend, “It’s complicated” I said, especially if you do this kind of job, nobody wants you, it’s impossible, as they used me to say… and I asked her if she was in front of the laundry two months ago, she said no, she doesn’t go out alone because she fears migrants, Moroccans, especially, and she always goes out with friends, not mentioning that during that time she was in Romania, and I perhaps took her for another girl… and we talked, and we talked, and I stare into her visage, trying to impress in my mind all her curves, her lines, her beautiful harmony which inspires me love and at the same time gets me a little depressed because I won’t see her for another two months… until february, I said, until february, when perhaps she will come back with a driving license and won’t work there on the street catching cold anymore… “Are you from Suceava?”, “No, from Craiova…”, “Oh! I got confused with another Romanian girl…”, Olimpia… she is from Suceava, but she talked business and nothing else, I said, and I didn’t like her, apart from some important things she said: “I don’t want to waste my time”, “It’s the first time I see a young man so depressed…”, depression… despondent mood… that I don’t understand myself anymore… yes, she is from Craiova, not from Zalau as Eugenia, and I told her also about her, the adventist girl, who’s now in Malesia doing missionary work for her church, a Romanian girl… what Romanian girl? Eugenia? Olimpia? Ana? Or Marina, the Russian girl? And I don’t understand anymore with whom I’m in love, when perhaps I’m just in love with all girls and nobody… and we said each other goodbye, wishing each other merry christmas and happy holidays, while she’ll be in Romania giving presents to her nephews and nieces, talking to her divorced parents, who live in different places, and she’ll have to move from one town to the other… her life… her wish to find a boyfriend… the town in which she lives in Italy which is the same where I live, but I didn’t enquire what road, what neighborhood, as I didn’t tell her about my precise wherabouts, there are certain things that mustn’t be disclosed with a girl like her… and we parted, saying to each other that we will meet again in february, and I got away with my car thinking about Alina, Ana, Marina, Eugenia, Olimpia, and forgetting once and for all Albania and Leida… “I got mad”, I said also, about Alina, that bitch with whom I fell in love, and then I got out of love, last time I saw her was this summer, when I wanted to talk with her about my failed love experience with Marina, she asked me: “Was she Russian Russian?”, “Yes, she was”, I said, and I couldn’t remember anymore all those wonderful erotic moments I had with Alina two years ago… Alina, that when I saw her last year during this period, the Christmas period, my mind turned the world upside down, the axis of the world changed and I recovered, without knowing why, all my intellect and reason, and feelings also… but now, one year after she isn’t there anymore, as Ana isn’t there, and I’m also waiting for my thirty third birthday, trying not to get caught in existential and religious crap… my thirty third birthday, that I remember last year, my thirty second birthday, when I chatted on Facebook with Marina, trying to envision a love story, a love story which never was… and there was also Leida, the Albanian girl who fucked up my mind with her eroticism, the girl I fucked on my thirtieth birthday and on my thirty first, letting myself out, giving away all my desire, and I’m kind of nostalgic about that energetic feeling, that I don’t know anymore when all my energy will come back… the desire, the desire which Leida took almost away, if it wasn’t for Ana, or for the Romanian girl without a name, the last girls I fucked, but now I’m beginning to think that the doctor was right, I’m tired, I’m working, and I desire something more from those girls, a kind of love which won’t ever be… and I’m beginning also to understand that I’d need some peoploe to talk to, normal people, people my age, with whom to share my points of view on the world, my interests, people with whom to joke, normal guys and normal girls, some friends, in a nutshell, some friends… yes, because at work there are only old people with reactionary ideas, people who only think local, and who don’t have open points of view, old people, another generation that never grew up among other cultures, migrants, and a world open to globalisation and global ideas, and in this I really miss university, the faculty of foreign languages and international cooperation, where all students were open to other cultures, other worlds, other languages, a place where I didn’t feel suffocated, on the contrary, where I could be myself, completely free, and I could dive into all my interests and passions, and have a look at the infinity of ideas and feelings, walking every day among girls from all over the world, girls of every kind, who gave me inspiration and that kind of love which I used to express with Xhuliana, Alina and Leida, when I wasn’t stressed out and repressed by work, when my energy was at its full, but also my ideas of love with these girls, now lost… “It’s ten years now”, I said to Ana, “It’s ten years that I meet girls like you, when I was your age I used to have a girlfriend, but then I choose only to have girls like you, and I left her…”, that Italian girl, another right-wing local person, with a closed mindset, while all my feelings were somewhere else, in Romania, in Albania, in Russia, owing to that voyage that changed my life when I was thirteen, that voyage in Romania, which opened my mind once and for all… and the same goes with my best friends during my teenager years, the Albanian Dorian, the Chinese Liao and Dong Dong, two brothers… yes, I’m multicultural, I’m open to other people, to other cultures, I want to mix races, my feeling are all abroad, I love globalisation and the mixture of cultures, ideas, values, tastes, feelings, I love the whole world, but I live with people who can only think about their closest environment, their own language or even their own dialect, and I’m suffocating because of them… but that’s how the world goes these days, right-wing populists, the force of closure, against international and multicultural ideas, the force of openness, and it’s not a drama that I’m living all alone, it’s a drama that involves all Western societies, that are somewhat tired by neoliberalism, globalisation and new migrations, and I live this conflict every day, every hour of my day, and the only way to get out of this conflict is to get out of political thinking, stopping reading Italian news, left wing papers, and try not to get to political with colleagues and relatives and parents… yes, but I’d need some friends to talk to, some friends who share my ideas, or at least are a little bit more open, but those friends aren’t there anymore… and they were also a bad influence on me, withe their constant talk about sex and girls, like truly hungry men, who didn’t have a ten years’ cicle of constant sex with almost no interruption, like me, with different girls, different girls with whom I fell in love every time… and that doctor was right, when he said that all things come out of love for the other sex, out of love for girls, and also that philosopher was right that the path towards truth doesn’t come out of Christian or religious mortification, but out of erotic love… how else could I explain my love for foreign cultures, languages and ideas if it wasn’t for girls like Xhuliana, Alina, Leida, Ana, Katia? They were all foreign girls, Albanians, Romanians, Ucrainian, Russians, and many others, and in them I always found what neither friends nor parents nor culture can give me… yes, and then love, out of love for them I learnt some Russian, Albanian, Romanian, I got lost into poetry, philosophy, history, songs from the East, movies from the East, and sometimes I even got further, losing myself into peripheral stories which touched the inspiration they gave me, and so, German, and Hebrew, and Norwegian, and Dutch, and I lost myself into all philosophies, all religions, the whole world of ideas and culture, never reaching out to touch that kind of love that I can only imagine, because I won’t ever find a girl who is at the same time German, Jewish, Albanian, Romanian, Ukrainian, Russian, English and French and Spanish, and at this point I can only admit my love for other cultures and other languages, inspired by the foreign girls I loved… yes, the doctor told me, “Every time the constant thing that I notice is foreign languages, that is the common thread which binds everything else: foreign languages…”… yes, my love for words, my love for music, my love for foreign girls, that every time that I get trapped into my own country and my own people I don’t have to focus on the hate I feel for such closed mindsets and people, but I have to focus on my love for foreign languages, cultures and girls, and not give way to claustrophobic ideas and thinking, trying to reach out to feel the infinite inspiration towards foreign languages, cultures and girls, inspired by the foreign girls I loved… and that’s me, that’s me beyond everything, that my only regret is that I can’t live out of this passion, I can’t eat with culture, languages and love, and I must work, work in a completely different field to earn a living, and I should not get depressed by this… they told me in fact not to worry, because at least I have a job, there are many people who don’t have a job these days, and also an academic career on cultures isn’t that fun, quite on the contrary, they said, it’s hell, no funds, no money, hard work and a lot of depression, and instability… that’s why now I mustn’t give up on my job, trying to cultivate on my free time all my passions and interests, all my ideas, all my infinite inspiration which goes beyond any boundary… yes, that’s it, I still have free time to cultivate my love for languages and cultures and girls, and normal people and writers of all time could love and study and work at the same time, it’s the story of every one of any century, that’s life, even when everything isn’t just as you wished it to be, even when everything isn’t perfect, and the only ideal for which I’d strive for is to live with foreign people, languages and cultures, immersed in a cultural world, immersed in love, immersed with friends who share my interests, but that would be exactly the life that teacher advised against, an intellectual life which would bring exactly the same as this working life with cultural intermezzos, and anyway people can love and have families also with the ugliest jobs on earth, also without a job, without a salary, and, as they used me to say, “There are much worse situations than yours…”… yes, and out of love, out of love for the girls who inspired me all this I’ll keep on living as always, alternating work and study and moments of freedom, always inspired by the foreign girls I loved… and I don’t think that I’m exagerating when I want to learn German, Romanian, Albanian, and all stuff about Islamic civilization, Jewish culture and all, the doctor said that it isn’t wrong to study and work at the same time, and also the other doctor always told me: “Do study!”, and if my feelings go towards these things I can’t do nothing but follow my passions, and liberate myself… there’s only one thing that now I’m worried about: “Am I not stressing myself too much? Am I not falling into a conflict zone with other people who think differently from me?”… stressing myself out, that could be because it’s difficult sometimes to find allies with whom to talk, but that’s society, that’s democracy, that’s freedom of expression, everybody can have their ideas, their opinions, and in a free and democratic world I can’t deny freedom of expression and ideas to other people, as much as other people can’t undermine my freedom… yes, that’s it, freedom… and I should try to be less ideological, less stubborn with my ideas, which aren’t a revelaed truth from a divinity which everybody must obey, their just my feelings, my opinions, my world view that I can’t impose on others, as much as others can’t impose their truth on me… but that’s the point, someone wrote that every person look for their similars, someone to share their ideas, someone with whom you agree on something, someone that completes you and makes you feel good, that’s the thing that I miss most from university, from the people in the campus, and I’d give up my life to find someone like them, some friends, some companions, while here now it’s just a desert of relationships… there’s only her, Ana, the last remnant of my love, the girl I’ll probably wait for another two months, the last inspiration, while I’ll lose myself into all things inspired by the foreign girls I loved… Ana, dedicated to her, to all foreign girls, to the whole world, dedicated to love, forever in love with love, forever myself, trying to defuse the conflict between my world view and those of my colleagues and relatives and friends who aren’t there anymore, those friends who didn’t have a ten years’ cicle of constant sex and love with foreign girls, those same friends who couldn’t understand me, as much as I didn’t understand them, and I’ll keep on living, hoping to find someone some day, someone to share my ideas, my worldview, my true personality, realizing once and for all that the only girl for me must be a foreign girl well versed in philosophy and foreign languages and cultures, with an open mind, but at the same time capable of waking up the desire in me, that desire that lived for all those foreign girls and that now lives for Ana, while I get lost trying to compare all girls of everytime, not finding a solution, not finding the true one, while I’m worried about everyday conflict with other people who think different from me, but that’s life, how many people live in a conflict zone with their bosses, at work? Many, many of them, and if only there were friends, if only there was some girl to really fall in love, if only all this were present, and I don’t know anymore what to do, apart from waiting for Ana, and dedicating all my life to all things inspired by the foreign girls I loved…

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